Just trying to live

Lately, the only thing I’ve wanted to do is get drunk. I mean it’s only recently I’ve been drinking. I did like once in the 11th grade(Late bloomer I guess. The little fucking 9th graders I TA for apparently get high and screw around like little monkeys all the time). I drink a lot more as a 12th grader. Maybe it comes with the grade, I don’t really like getting high. I think I like getting drunk because of the social aspect of it. When I’m drunk, I’m not myself, or maybe I’m who I truly am. Who knows. All I know is that I become more outgoing, I feel happier overall, and I feel more accepted.

Granted that I do stupid shit when I’m drunk, which can range from falling over a lot, to dancing, to even trying to make a pass at girls who apparently aren’t interested in me at all, sober or drunk. As embarrassing as that may be, I honestly don’t give a fuck when I’m at that next party taking as many shots of vodka as I can before I pass out. 

The only downside about drinking is that when you think you’re making a connection with someone, male or female, what is boils down to is that you’re drunk. The next time you see this person when your sober, you either pretend that what happened under your drunken haze didn’t matter, didn’t happen, or you straight up ignore that person for the rest of your life.

I guess blogging might be that thing. I mean, before I found tumblr, I was playing my Xbox. Hours upon hours of playing that shit. It practically consumed me. My obsession is probably derived from the fact that I lack certain social qualities that allow me interact with a person past screaming at some bitch ass kids on Xbox live. But yeah, I’m always playing. If I’m not fucking people up in the newest Call of Duty, I’m probably playing an expansive single player game. I mean, you do get tired of screaming at kids, so why not. I invest hours into single player games such as the Mass Effect series, the Fable series, and the Fallout series.

It just feels great to play a game, and pretty much do what I want, when I want. In Mass Effect, if I wanted to save a planet, or let it be destroyed, I HAD THAT CHOICE. Same as in Fable. Who’s gonna stop me from killing a few peasants if I want to. I guess I enjoy these games so much because in reality, I don’t get a choice. Everything I do is controlled by those fucking parents of mine. I’d like to go out more often, but I never have the means of transportation. I have a license, but no car. I pretty much have to share the car with my dad, and whatever he does is apparently more important than what I want to do, so I’m left sitting at home doing stupid shit when I could be out there having a life. 

I’ve asked for a car, but my bitch of a mom won’t budge. She says I don’t need one. Sure, I don’t need a car, but if you want me to be a socially awkward fuck for the rest of my life, then fine, I don’t need a car.

Don’t know how I went from talking about video games to how much my parents suck, but w/e, this expressing myself shit is kind of helping. Now if only I could find an actual person to share these feelings with? I sound like a woman (I try not to offend but you fucks know it’s true).

Girls…Maybe I’m too young. I can’t be. Every 9th grader I know has apparently already had sex. I’m in the 12th grade, on a zero girlfriend streak.

It’s not just girls though. It’s people in general. I don’t feel like I can connect with anyone. I just feel so alone most of the time. I’ll be in school, and everyone acts like they’re happy to see me, and they act like I’m their friend, and I could go as far as to say that I’m pretty popular in school. However, it’s a hollow victory. As many as there are people who know me, no one actually wants to hang out with me.

I call up a friend the other day and ask him if he wanted to hang out on the up coming Saturday. He fumbled around with the question, talking about how he’s not sure, and all this other crap about not knowing what he’s doing that day. Wtf I just asked if you wanted to do something. If someone or something better comes up before that day will you just blatantly forget about me? 

I try my luck with the women. I really do. But I just can’t do anything. Well that’s not exactly true. I got a girl’s actual number. But when I call it three days later (unwritten three days before calling rule), she doesn’t seem interested at all. I guess I’m just boring.